Merry Christmas! Happy Hanukkah! Happy Kwanzaa! I’m fixing to die!

May this be a season of joy for all, especially those trampled in Black Friday sales. (If you’re willing to risk a beat-down to buy a $29 HP printer, I don’t judge.)

For me, it’s been… interesting. In the midst of decorating, shopping and making my semi-famous bon-bons, my body went haywire.

One minute I was tossing tinsel and the next minute I had a blistering rash in places you don’t want to know. Fever. Cough. Infection. Nausea. Pounding headache. Night sweats. High blood pressure. Every day brought a new symptom. Even my hair hurt.

FYI, getting sick makes me furious, because I do everything right: Plant-based diet, exercise daily, handfuls of vitamins. I thought if you do all that, the universe will keep you well.

Ha, ha, ha.

On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…

A fever of 103

On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,

A rash upon my… elbow, and a fever of 103

On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,

One runny nose, a rash upon my… elbow, and a fever of 103

On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,

Body aches all over, one runny nose, a rash upon my… elbow, and a fever of 103

On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me,

A painful UTI, body aches all over, one runny nose, a rash upon my… elbow, and a fever of 103.

On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to me,

Two doctors’ visits, a painful UTI, body aches all over, one runny nose, a rash upon my… elbow and a fever of 103.

On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me,

Three drug prescriptions, two doctors’ visits, a painful UTI, body aches all over, one runny nose, a rash upon my… elbow, and a fever of 103.

On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,

Hives on my neck, three drug prescriptions, two doctors’ visits, a painful UTI, body aches all over, one runny nose, a rash upon my… elbow, and a fever of 103.

On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,

One quart of cough syrup, hives on my neck, three drug prescriptions, two doctors’ visits, a painful UTI, body aches all over, one runny nose, a rash upon my… elbow, and a fever of 103.

On the 10th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,

Sweaty nasty sheets, one quart of cough syrup, hives on my neck, three drug prescriptions, two doctors’ visits, a painful UTI, body aches all over, one runny nose, a rash upon my… elbow, and a fever of 103.

On the 11th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,

Post-nasal drip, sweaty nasty sheets, one quart of cough syrup, hives on my neck, three drug prescriptions, two doctors’ visits, a painful UTI, body aches all over, one runny nose, a rash upon my… elbow, and a fever of 103.

On the 12th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,

An 11-hour nap, post-nasal drip, sweaty nasty sheets, one quart of cough syrup, hives on my neck, three drug prescriptions, two doctors’ visits, a painful UTI, body aches all over, one runny nose, a rash upon my… elbow, and a fever of 103.

I think the nap did it; I’ve turned the corner. Hallelujah!

Julie Smith, who’s the biggest wimp in recorded history, can be reached at widdleswife@aol.com.