Fanfare for the Common Man: Valentine’s Day? Again? | Columnists | Our Gazette

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Fanfare for the Common Man: Valentine’s Day? Again?

Published Wednesday, February 10, 2010 9:52 AM

By Dan Brown
The Gazette

It’s Valentine’s Day again? Already?

Didn’t we just do this last year?

Don’t get me wrong; I have nothing against Valentine’s Day.

Okay, yes I do. I have plenty against Valentine’s Day.

Valentine’s Day takes a genuine act of kindness and affection between two people and makes it a requirement. Honestly, I think it’s a government conspiracy, more or less their own farm subsidy to help prop up the floral and greeting card industries.

Going out on Valentine’s Day and dropping fifty bucks on a half-a-dozen roses means the day will get no better for you because you did what you were supposed to do, and expected to do.

This is a day reserved almost entirely for women. Guys don’t care for flowers. Guys may like candy, but not those fruity-covered chocolates. We like M&Ms and Tootsie Rolls and Snickers bars.

And God help the man who forgets to get his significant other something for Valentine’s Day.

I blame much of the nineties on the fact that I forgot a Valentine’s Day. Does any woman get in this much trouble if she were to forget the man on Valentine’s Day?

She wouldn’t end up spending the next two weeks in the doghouse sleeping on the couch or be required to suffer through weekends haunting Bed, Bath and Beyond, or dinner at her mother’s every Sunday to atone for this egregious oversight.

My take on Valentine’s Day is this: You should be expressing such affection for your loved one 365 days a year, not just one.

Okay. I admit it. You want to know my take on Valentine’s Day? It’s 24-hours of agony.

I want to roll over, unplug the alarm clock and just sleep in until February 15.

My problem with Valentine’s Day is that I don’t have anyone with which to share it. At no time do I feel more left out than on Feb. 14.

Nothing says, “You don’t belong,” louder than Valentine’s Day.

I’ve lived through 52 Valentine’s Days, from passing out those cheap Valentine’s Day cards in second grade to forking out $49.95 for a half-dozen red roses as an adult.

I have assembled my Thou Shalts and Thou Shalt Nots of Valentine’s Day so that you might succeed on Valentine’s Day where I did not.

Thou shalt not give her carnations. Giving her carnations says I forgot today was Valentine’s Day and this was all they had left at Wal-Mart.

Thou shalt not leave the penning of the accompanying card up to the flower guy on the phone. Chances are good the card will say, “I love you Betty.”

Your wife’s name is Eileen.

Thou shalt not forget Valentine’s Day. You may forget your mother’s birthday, your mortgage payment, your dog’s birthday, bowling night out with the guys, but two dates you sear into your memory, your anniversary and Valentine’s Day.

Thou shalt know the difference between the colors of roses and what they mean. Yellow is for friendship. If you think you’re just friends and she thinks it’s true love, you’re in trouble. You might as well have gotten her carnations.

Red is for true love.

If you truly love her and she just wants to be friends, this could be awkward. You just dropped fifty bucks to be told she just doesn’t want to get serious.

Pink roses express gratitude. Deep pink roses say thank you.

Just be careful what you’re saying “Thank you” for. White roses mean somebody died, or is going to die. Like you if you get caught sending white roses.

Thou shalt not fall for the single red nose ploy. They say, nothing can express true love more than the beauty and simplicity of the single red rose. She won’t see it this way.

To her, the single red rose on Valentine’s Day says, “I’m poor. I can’t afford you. I blew my paycheck on pizza and beer at last Sunday’s Super Bowl party and had no idea Valentine’s Day was on the Sunday after the Super Bowl, and I don’t get paid until next Friday.”

Now go out there and sweep her off her feet.

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