The Gazette
I’m a big man who likes his Big Eats. It’s not worth eating if you can’t eat it big.
I like to talk about food. A lot. Big Food.
I take my White Castles like I take my Krispy Kremes, by the dozen. I love pizzas that look like garbage can lids, thick hunks of steak that can barely fit on your plate, monster Cathead biscuits the size of tea saucers, and ice cream sundaes served in flowerpots.
When someone serves up Big Food what they’re saying is, we want to make sure you don’t go away hungry.
A friend of mine ordered up some wings at the 25-Cent All-You-Can-Eat Wings Night last week.
She ate five. I eat five wings on the way home, and don’t get any sauce on my shirt. I eat wings like most people eat M&Ms.
She then said if she couldn’t eat them all she’d save the rest to have at work for lunch the next day and opt for the knife and fork.
Ladies have a hard time eating wings as y’all observe rules of dining decorum, the Thou Shalt Nots of Eating.
One: Thou Shalt Not make faces when eating your food.
Two: Thou Shalt Not eat anything in one bite.
You can’t properly eat wings without doing copious amounts of both.
My best is 81 wings on All-You-Can-Eat Wings Night. The record: 181 wings. Yes, they keep count. I like that.
During my last road trip I stopped off at a burger joint in Muncie, Indiana for lunch. I was hungry.
I didn’t even look at the menu. My needs were simple. I wanted the biggest hamburger you got.
The waiter cut a look around the restaurant, as if to make sure no random ears overheard what he was about to tell me. He leaned in, talking in a hushed tone out of the corner of his mouth.
“We got something. It’s not on the menu. You have to order it…” he looks around again and his voice drops to nearly a whisper, “special.”
What’s it called?
“The Colossal Burger.”
Awesome.
“It has everything, plus endless fries.”
As if the Colossal Burger wouldn’t fill me up, they threw in the endless fries for good measure.
That’s what I want. I half-expected to hear sirens go off when they brought my Colossal Burger out to me.
This thing looked like a Big Mac hyped up on steroids.
Two all beef eight-ounce patties as thick as a Stephen King paperback; pickle spears, tomatoes, onions, mayonnaise, mustard and ketchup, all on a double-decker multi-grain bun, and don’t forget the endless fries. It stood six inches high and was held together with a steak knife serving as a toothpick.
It had some heft to it when I picked it up, like a manhole cover. That’s when I heard the woman seated at the table across from me whisper, “Watch everybody that man is going to take a bite of that hamburger.”
And of course I paused.
No way am I going to try and take a whole bite out of this Colossal Burger, though I have to admit, for a few seconds I did pause to consider the logistical requirements.
Step 1: Unhinge jaws like a snake.
Step 2: Engulf as much Colossal Burger as inhumanly possible.
Step 3: Repeat steps One and Two.
There’s even a TV show about Big Eatin’ called “Man vs. Food.” The host is a “self-educated food expert.”
I read up on what they meant by “food expert” and saw he got his start doing soaps, All My Children and Guiding Light. Okay, so I watched soaps, does that make me a food expert too?
I thought, shoot, I’ve been doing this almost twice as long and I’ve got about 60-pounds of food expertise around my middle to prove it.
To do what he does, travel around the country each week and gorge himself on the local cuisine, I’d do that for free.
Just cover my expenses. And the doctor bills.
And my trip to the ER when I stroke out.
Ourgazette.com is pleased to offer readers the enhanced ability to comment on stories. We expect our readers to engage in lively, yet civil discourse. Ourgazette.com does not edit user submitted statements and we cannot promise that readers will not occasionally find offensive or inaccurate comments posted in the comments area. Responsibility for the statements posted lies with the person submitting the comment, not Ourgazette.com. If you find a comment that is objectionable, please click "report abuse" and we will review it for possible removal. Please be reminded, however, that in accordance with our Terms of Use and federal law, we are under no obligation to remove any third party comments posted on our website.
Users can now build user-to-user connections, follow friends' recent posts, add an avatar that fits their personality, and more. If you have posted here before you'll need to sign up again, or if you've never posted before, start now by reading our terms and conditions, and then signing up below!
- Most Viewed
- Most Commented
- Third arrest made in 17-year-old murder case
- Automotive company adding 60 jobs at SC plant
- 2 SC men die when cars fall off jacks
- Divers find bodies of SC, Va. youths in NC lake
- SC tax collections better than expected
- Mother relieved with arrests in SC cold case
- SC man convicted of killing man in nightclub
- At least one person heading to NC dies in SC crash
- Carnard Chapman looks to keep pests under control
- GCPD officer in critical condition after shooting
- SC town considers ban on illegal immigrants (9)
- SC tobacco wholesalers to get more to collect tax (2)
- 4-month-old boy taken from mom in NC found in SC (1)
- SC man convicted of killing man in nightclub (1)
- SC councilman wants to ban illegal immigrants (1)
- "Army Wives" cast push SC for film incentives (1)
- SC store clerk kills robbery suspect (1)
- Police: Cheeseburger found in SC woman's gas tank (0)
- SC university denies wrongdoing in harassment suit (0)
- SC officials: YMCA followed rules before drowning (0)
- Santee Cooper approves 2010 bond sale
- Santee Cooper President and CEO Lonnie Carter assumes APPA chairmanship
- Santee Cooper hosts annual dinner
- Santee Cooper’s GOFER celebrates 20 years
- Well-placed trees can lead to energy savings
- 8 Ways to Turn Yourself Into a Green Gourmet
- Home Show 2010 to run on Santee Cooper Green Power
- EPA seeks applications for environmental community grants