Thursday, May 29, 2014
A look at some news—recent and not so much—that made me shake my head…
• Check that crossbow in your closet (what do you mean you don’t have a crossbow in the closet?): Excalibur Matrix Mega 405 crossbows have been recalled. They’re camouflage patterned (of course) and were sold in February and March of this year.
The issue? The crossbow can just randomly fire an arrow, without the trigger being pulled. Just. Randomly. Fire. An. Arrow. So that could be a problem if you like to load your crossbow and then, say, make a sandwich. But most people don’t leave their crossbows loaded, right? Please tell me I’m right.
• A 49-year-old Tennessee man tried to have sex with a bank ATM in a bar. And can you believe it, alcohol was involved! Obviously he forgot that ATMs are for withdrawals, not deposits. (Insert groan here.)
Officers arrived to find the guy buck naked in the bar. When they took him outside, he decided he liked the looks of a picnic table, too. He was charged with public intoxication and jailed on $250 bond.
Let’s hope he doesn’t take a shine to the food slot in his cell.
• Mount Pleasant police are still looking for a woman who flipped out over a stale Cinnabon at Burger King earlier this month. She’s passionate about her pastry: She started yelling at employees and reportedly threatened to “shoot this place down.”
First of all, what are you doing buying a cinnamon roll at Burger King? Get the Whopper and shut up. Second of all, she’s directionally-challenged: You shoot a place up, not down. Can you imagine if they put stale pickles on her sandwich? “I’ll burn this place OUT!”
• Whatever you think of Joe Biden’s politics or teeth, he’s a nice guy. A Connecticut high school student invited him to her prom, saying if he turned her down she’d have to ask Speaker of the House John Boehner (!!). Biden declined Talia Maselli’s invite, but sent her a corsage of baby’s breath, roses and red, white and blue ribbons with a handwritten card. “I just thought he’d be fun to hang out with,” Maselli said.
Maybe he is just a regular Joe.
• Imagine your brand-new, multi-million dollar yacht capsizing before you ever set foot on it. That’s what happened in Anacortes, Wash. The boat’s building team was preparing to deliver the yacht to its new owner when their hopes sank at the dock, along with the boat. After it inexplicably “suddenly flipped over,” the six-man crew was rescued from the water. The yacht now needs repair, which again proves the old adage: A boat is a hole in the water into which you pour money.
• Helpful hint: If you decide to commit burglary, make sure the resident isn’t home. And if he is, pray that he’s not a mixed martial arts expert. Things could get bumpy.
In San Jose, CA., Brian Kuhn, a kickboxing and MMA instructor, ran home to pick up a uniform and found a man sitting at his dining room table. Mr. Burglar waved a crowbar and sniped, “This guy let me in.” It was the last chance he had to crack wise before Kuhn came upside his head with fists and feet. After shoving the suspect through a window, Kuhn dragged him outside in a headlock. Neighbors saw the ruckus and called 9-1-1. Presumably the intruder was happy to see the cops arrive. As my brother T-Bob likes to say, you can’t make this stuff up.
Julie R. Smith, who is afraid of crossbows and stale pickles, can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.