Saturday, May 3, 2014
I like to think of myself as a dedicated runner. I also like to think of myself as a six-foot tall redheaded showgirl, so we can see where this is going.
I used to run a minimum of 36 miles a week, and canít remember why. Oh, wait ó my husband said something about I wasnít using my education or my mind these days, and who wants to hear that? So I ran until I didnít think about itóand until my right Achilles tendon threatened to pop like a piano wire.
Nowadays I sort of lurch along, three miles a day. Itís pitiful. So I had to find something to supplement the pitiful.
A friend ó who, it turns out, is far fitter than me ó loaned me the Insanity DVD series. From it I learned two things: 1) I hate trainers named Sean and 2) If you can do 15 minutes of Insanity, God bless you.
Less than halfway through the Insanity fit testóthis is BEFORE the real program even startsóI was panting like a pit bull in August. I thought I would throw up in the fake ficus tree. On the fourth burpee my cross necklace flew up and hit my front tooth. I paid too much for that tooth. I turned the DVD off. Take that, Sean.
(I hear P90Xówhich sounds like the chemical formula for Windex ó is a lot like Insanity. Wonít be doing that, either.)
My friend also loaned me a Jillian Michaels DVD. Jillian promised to ďget me shredded,Ē which certainly sounds exciting. Iíve never watched The Biggest Loser so there were no preconceived notions. I just knew she was short, loud and had a rocking body.
Now I know she is not human.
Go ahead, give Jillian a try. Here are 20 things you will think while busting yourÖ abs.
Jillian has such pretty hair. I wonder what conditioner she uses?
HOLY GOD, I CANNOT BREATHE.
Stay calm. Exhale on the effort, inhale on the rebound. Or is that backwards?
My mouth is so dry.
I can do this. Itís not that hard.
Itís HARD. I hate this. I want my mommy.
My mouth is so parched my lips are actually cracking. Jillian has nice moist lips. I bet someone puts lip balm on her between takes. I hate her wet lips.
If God had meant for me to kick like a donkey, Iíd eat oats and bray.
I still canít breathe. Luckily, Iím past caring.
My brother used to date a girl who looked like Jillian. I hated her, too.
I can no longer feel my calves.
If I staggered out into the front yard right now, my neighbors would flee screaming.
My tongue is actually protruding from my mouth.
Cooldown should start soon. Where are you cooldown? I NEED COOLDOWN. NOW. BEFORE I CUT SOMEBODY!
Why are we kick-boxing? This is so unfair!
I bet her real name isnít Jillian. I bet itís Mabel or Esther and sheís making us all pay for the awful name her parents gave her. IT WASNíT MY FAULT, I WASNíT THERE!
Iím no longer sweating. Isnít that a bad sign?
Iím coming for you, Jillian. Thatís right, Iím heading to California to find you andóCOOLDOWN! Thank you, Lord! Thank you!
If I can remember to breathe, soon I can get up off the floor. Soon. One can only hope.
I am willing to concede one point: It might be less painful to start using my education and my mind.
Julie R. Smith, who is still on the floor, can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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