Friday, November 15, 2013
When I can’t sleep I track the news, which is why today I can offer you some incredibly dumb developments in the world. (I’m sure Miley Cyrus stuck her tongue out and Obamacare is still broken, but Ima let those slide.)
• Two 19-year-old women in Britain thought it was the height of hilarity to dress up for Halloween as the 9/11 attacks on the World Trade Center. Their costumes, cleverly labeled “South Tower” and “North Tower” featured 3-D explosions, planes, and people jumping out of the buildings. You know, the funny stuff.
When photos appeared in the media, public outrage was instant and appropriate. The women won $240 in a pub costume party and are now despised by millions. Not a good tradeoff.
“The insensitivity level for this… is topped by none,” said New Yorker John Feal, president of The FealGood Foundation, which assists survivors of the almost 3,000 people who died in the 2001 attacks.
The women eventually said they were sorry “if any offense was caused.” That is not an apology. That’s a two-year-old whining in his pull-up pants.
• Here’s a gem from Reuters: An Oregon middle school football coach doesn’t understand why it’s inappropriate to take 13- and 14-year-old boys to Hooters for a team victory bash.
Randy Burbach has plenty of time to ponder now, because he won’t be volunteer coaching at Corbett Middle School next year.
School officials said he refused to change the end-of-season party location despite parental complaints.
“I think there are more appropriate places to take middle school boys,” Athletic Director Jean-Paul Soulagnet said, in a masterful understatement.
When Soulagnet asked Burbach to find another party venue, Burbach refused. So Soulagnet informed parents that A) The school was no longer affiliated with the celebration, and B) Burbach would not return to coach another season.
Burbach told the media that his team “overwhelmingly chose Hooters” for the party.
Well, DUH! What else are adolescent boys going to say? “A chance to stare at half-naked women while eating hot wings? Naw, Coach, we were hoping to have it at the library.”
The bash was still set for Hooters, but wouldn’t be associated with the school, Soulagnet said.
That was probably a banquet those kids will never forget—the ones whose parents actually let them go, I mean.
• Toronto Mayor Rob Ford finally admitted to smoking crack, but said it was “during a drunken stupor,” which makes it ALL BETTER!
After denying it for months, Ford--who bears a remarkable resemblance to the late Chris Farley--finally admitted last week that it WAS him smoking crack on video at a party.
In the same breath he said he wouldn’t resign, because, heck, why should he?
“Yes, I have smoked crack cocaine,” Ford said at a press conference. “Probably in one of my drunken stupors, probably approximately about a year ago,” he said.
Probably he’s not the best guy to be mayor.
Ford apologized to voters and to his brother Doug, a city council member who went to the barricades for him, only to be proved a fool. (If Ford were my brother, I’d kick him in the pants. My two brothers will confirm this.)
Ford said he won’t step down and plans to run for re-election next year. “For the sake of the taxpayers, we must get back to work immediately,” he said.
Toronto councilmember Jaye Robinson, is livid: “Right now, he does not have a shred of credibility,” she said. “We’ve become the laughingstock of North America, if not the world.”
Ford’s last words: “Folks, I have nothing left to hide.” We can only hope.
Julie R. Smith, who loves the Caesar’s salad at Hooters, can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.