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Naming winter storms

  • Tuesday, October 9, 2012

File one more under the heading “You Can’t Make This Stuff Up.”
The Weather Channel has decided it will begin naming significant winter storms. As if the two-feet of snow, hurricane force gales and total white out conditions aren’t enough, they want to give these storms an identity.
The Weather Channel has decided to name these noteworthy storms so as not to have to rely on local network affiliates news anchors coming up with awful names like Snow Jam, Snowmageddon, and Ice Jam. Those make me want to grab an icicle and gouge out my eyes.  
So here are the names the Weather Channel has chosen as our named winter storms this year. Oh, I can’t wait…
Athena: The A-List chick, the Greek goddess of wisdom, will know to avoid trailer parks and major metropolitan areas.
Brutus: The ultimate traitor and best known assassin of Julius Caesar. He’ll aim for whatever road on which I’m driving.
Caesar: Stabbed in the back by Brutus. He will strive to be a much worse storm than his predecessor. ?Draco: Just a bad name for a storm. “Draco is coming,” usually voiced-over by Dolph Lundgren.
Euclid: The father of geometry. The storm will be precise and follow proper angles.
Freyr: A Norse god associated with fair weather. Jim Cantore: “That period of fair weather we’ve enjoyed over the past week was really Winter Storm Freyr.”
Gandolf: The Grey and White from Lord of the Rings. “You shall not pass!” Expect gridlock.
Helen: The really hot chick from Troy. Like Troy, towns will be wiped off the face of the earth because of her.
Iago: Enemy of Othello. Who? I never saw the movie.  
Jove: The English name for Jupiter. I guess it’s so we can go, “By Jove look at all that snow!” People in Wisconsin and Minnesota will say this a lot.
Khan: Three words: Wrath of Khan. You will wish you were on Seti Alpha 6 after this storm. Jim Cantore can’t wait to say this.
Luna: The moon. Not me, I’ll have my long johns on.
Magnus: A short dude with a Napoleon complex. His storm will sputter and fail.
Nemo: The guppy from the movie. Winter Storm Nemo? Phht!
Orko: The thunder god in Basque mythology. Think snow and thunder here.
Plato: Greek philosopher and mathematician. This will be a logical storm that steers clear of major cities and roadways.?Rocky: Balboa. Apollo Creed’s worst nightmare. Nothing more needs to be said here.
Saturn: God of time, as in, with this snow there’s no way you’ll ever get to work on time.
Triton: Son of Poseidon the sea god, still trying to figure out how this will pertain to snow.
Ukko: In Finnish mythology, the god of the sky and weather. This storm is “Ukko!”
Virgil: One of ancient Rome’s greatest poets. “This snow will blow… and no one will go… pray for weather fair… and we’ll see you there…”
Walda: Weathermen everywhere will be saying, “Where’s Walda?” with this storm. Al Roker will be first.
Xerxes: The fourth king of the Persian Achaemenid Empire, Xerxes the Great. This was the tall cartoon dude in 300 with the body-piercing problem. He’ll bring 3 million snowflakes to fight 300… and lose.
Yogi: This storm ain’t over til it’s over.
Zeus: If a storm named Zeus is coming, find Al Gore and say, “I now have 14 inches of global warming I have to shovel off my driveway no thanks to you.”
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