No more Big Gulps?

  • Wednesday, September 26, 2012

New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg has gone and done it now. Heís done gone and messed with my Big Gulp.
Bloomberg has outlawed any carbonated beverage drink greater than 16 ounces inside the city limits of New York.
That means no more 48-ounce bucket of Coke to get you through those long Big Apple days. Rioting in the streets canít be far behind.
So, the next time Iím in New York, no more drinking my Coke out of a bucket as I drive, no more looking like Iím tethered to a watering trough of carbonated goodness that if left in contact with iron for a day or two could dissolve it straightaway.
How am I supposed to fill my 48-ounce Bubba Mug jug?
Mayor Bloomberg says itís all part of his cityís fight against growing obesity.
Let me say this about fights, it takes two to start one. You have to have a protagonist and an antagonist to engage in a fight. A fight against an inanimate Big Gulp cup? Thatís not a fight.
The consuming public will find a way to get its 48-ounces of Coke, Pepsi or Mountain Dew, just like an alcoholic will realize the convenient shot glass lid on bottles of Nyquil offers a good 8 ounces of 20-proof alcohol by volume for the cold suffererís sniffles.
The same holds true for Scope. They will find a way to get their fix.
New Yorkers will find a way to circumvent this prohibition on Coke. †
Could you imagine Al Capone or Boardwalk Empireís Nukky Thompson rum-running 48-ounce Big Gulp cups across the Great Lakes from Canada or beaching on a remote sandbar in Atlantic City? ďKeep your eyes out for the G-men boys. They come armed with big scissors.Ē
They already nixed my Super-sized fries. So whatís next? All you can eat buffets?
Personally I think theyíve gone after the wrong culprit.
When I was a kid I could go through a six-pack of 12-ounce Cokes in one sitting Ė thatís 72 ounces of carbonated, sugar-sweetened soft drink beverage for those keeping score at home, and the only problem Iíd have as a result was feeling like Iíd been plugged into a wall socket.
I was all jacked-up on the Dew but still skinny as a rail.
Outlaw video games or Wii if youíre going to impose government regulations on something. Do away with laptops, cell phones, and Twitter or Facebook, and give todayís kids a good crooked stick and a rock to play with. Nothing makes for a better Tommy gun than a good crooked stick. †
I didnít get fat until they invented cable. When I was in fifth grade I stood almost six feet tall and weighed just 120 pounds. I only had one stripe in my pajamas I was so skinny.† †
Take away the 300 TV channels we canít watch. Get these kids off the couch and out into the front yard. Then they can drink all the Big Gulps they want.
Nice try Mike, but you got this one all wrong.
I got it figured out, though. It didnít take long.
If I canít have my 48-ounce Big Gulp, I just buy three 16-ounce Big Sips and use my cup holder.
Take that. Iíll worry about diabetes, hypertension, high blood pressure and my pending coronary tomorrow.
But Iíll enjoy my Big Gulp now.
You want to see the Civil War II? Just let the U.S. government try to do that with sweet tea.
Oh, the South will rise again then.

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